


too much

by kakinaa



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Feelings, M/M, jungwoo is depressed, taeil is helping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-27 00:54:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20751647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kakinaa/pseuds/kakinaa
Summary: Jungwoo couldn't do it anymore. It was too much. Everything was too much, and even Taeil was too much.





	too much

He didn’t want to see anyone. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. And yet, everyone was there, talking to him. Even Taeil was annoying him. Taeil, the love of his life. Taeil, who had saved him more than one time. But Taeil was getting too worried,too preoccupied about everything all the time. He just wanted to stay alone. But Taeil was always there, cuddling him, kissing him making sure he was smiling and saying everything was going tobe alright. Would it? He had learned how to lie. Lying was starting to be a fun game now, betting with himself if he would see through it or not. He always tried to prove he was alright, by responding to the I love yous, by hugging him by surprise. Considering the efforts it tooks out of him, it was too much. He was so tired, but sleep was not an option. He asked himself multiples times if he was even human. How could one deal with so much pain and lies inside of themselves. He tried to sneak out, multiples times, but Taeil always woke up. He faked being thirsty, or watching TV in the couch.

But the sleeping pills fooled no one, and Taeil had never slept so well. He slept so well that he didn’t feel him getting out of his arms, escaping in the dark night to find some peace. The first nights, he had wandered around, still not really knowing the new city. He found some cute places and shops, some bars still open, but he stuck to the bridge. The fresh air helped him to feel free. He wouldn’t jump. He would never jump. He sighed and started walking again. The other side of the bridge led to the more recent part of the city, with neon lights in front of the buildings, announcing what kind of shops there were. The first nights, he stayed alone. Enjoying his time in the fresh night. Recovering from the social interactions he had today. It was too much. It was all too much. But the night balanced a bit. Well, a lot.

Coffee did its job at keeping him awake. Batteries recharged; he had more love to give. Adding more to nothing, it gives just a little bit of love, but still enough to make Taeil smile. He loved him. He loved him so much, but he was being suffocated. He was struggling to breathe in this house they just bought. He was struggling to keep a simple conversation with his friends. Maybe he needed new ones. He needed space to think and breathe.

The more he was going out, the better he was. He felt freer, like his body came back to life. Like his eyes were able to see beautiful things again. He began to feel the lack of sleep too, falling asleep while eating, or completely zoning out for some minutes.  
Taeil was less worried too, so he was not always on him. Maybe he could tell him now. Share with him how tight his chest was when he asked if he was okay. He tried to be, he wanted to be, but having him always on his back wasn’t helping. He needed space, he needed to breathe and to go out again, like he did every night.  
It didn’t feel like a burden, this lie. Yeah, considering the weight of all of this, it should be burning his throat to keep it quiet. But the feeling of getting better felt so good, and worrying about Taeil’s reaction was not on his schedule. For now.  
Months after, still the same routine. Maybe a little bit less. He decided on some days where he wouldn’t go out, getting a good sleep. Taeil had gotten a better job position, so he was less time at home. He hated himself for it, but Jungwoo didn’t really mind. He got more alone time, so getting out was useless. His heart became more and more at peace. His mind wasn’t full of stressful things like before . His mind was clearer each day. He even tried to get a job. Well, it was just baby-sitting, but he got bored and wanted money of his own. Eventually he got two kids to take care of, the cutest little beans he ever saw in his entire life.  
They were loud. Even the TV or the club didn’t rip his ears like those two kids did. They loved doing yelling competitions, for some reason. Jungwoo never won, but he got some things out of his chest. They even got lost in the woods together, but the kids were still laughing like it was the funniest thing ever, while Jungwoo tried to get some data to find the way back home. Everything was new to him, but he liked it. It had been a long time since he last had taken care of someone. Taeil did it for him, but now that he was getting better by himself, he decided to give it a try. Later, he had three more kids to take care of. More excursions in the woods, more screaming competition, and lots of other things.  
Taeil was surprised the first time Jungwoo told him.  
“Taking care of kids?” You can’t ever take care of yourself. Taeil didn’t say it, but it was clear in his eyes. They reflected surprise, but a lot more of confusion. Maybe Jungwoo wanted to try this to prove to him he could do it. He had to do it. Either Taeil wouldn’t believe him when he was going to tell him he felt better than ever. Because he really did. Even more now that he had little buddies running around his house, smiling nonstop.  
Having a bad mood was something rare those days, but seeing Taeil anxious and sad wasn’t a good way to start the day. He didn’t want to tell him why, which made him more anxious on top of that. Seeing Taeil anxious was as rare as seeing the kids calm. Talking about them, the first thing they did in the morning was to give Jungwoo a big hug. They ran to him and made him fall on the ground. He really felt happier these days.  
“Taeil?” He said, one time during dinner. It was months later again. Some of the kids had their birthday, some of them changed class. He got new ones too. He loved them a lot, and apparently, they loved him too. He felt like a kid with them, like he had nothing to worry about. he really wasn’t worrying about anything. He wasn’t going out anymore because taking care of kids had taken out all of his energy. He already was going out with them, and it felt even better, sharing that precious time with such cute beans, running around and playing soccer. He didn’t feel lonely in his ‘alone’ time anymore. And that was for the better.  
“Yes baby?” Taeil’s tone was concerned. He was more stressed out by work, but this time Jungwoo was there to help him, not the other way around. He was there to tell him everything would be alright, and that was the only thing Taeil needed:to be held and reassured by his lover. Maybe now getting home wouldn’t be a weight on his shoulders anymore. Maybe Jungwoo was better, Taeil thought these days. Taking care of kids showed him that. When getting home, the other was smiling and laughing like before. Taeil had almost cried the first time. It had been years he didn’t heard Jungwoo laugh. Even seeing him smile had been rare. It was too precious. And since then Taeil had been taking a lot of pictures of him, if one day that smile had to disappear again. He then could remember why he was doing it , why he was helping him. Maybe they wouldn’t be useful, except to make him happy too.  
That was the moment Jungwoo told him. He told him everything. Not because he felt bad, because if he was being honest, he could have kept this a secret until his death. It was only because he felt like he needed to say it. He needed to tell him he was feeling better and that he won over himself. He fought with himself, he had gotten better by himself. He tried new things, leading to others, and smiling had been one of the easiest things ever now. Maybe the only thing he needed was space. A lot of space, to think, to have time alone. After that, having company, taking care of other people. The need to feel useful to people, and getting even better in return.

That night Taeil cried a lot. He felt a lot of things. He felt useless because he couldn’t help him. He felt dumb and stupid, for not being able to realize how much he was in pain. He also felt free, free of having to take care of Jungwoo. Because he felt better, and he didn’t have to rely on him alone. He also realized he didn’t help him the good way. He helped him the wrong way, and realized how Jungwoo felt. He realized too many things. He felt sorry, he apologized a lot. Jungwoo told him it was alright. He was feeling better now. But that was too much. He sacrificed so much of his time for nothing, because he was too dumb to realize he wasn’t helping him.  
Jungwoo felt weird that night. He never saw Taeil breaking down like that before. He had to comfort him. He didn’t expect that reaction. Well, he didn’t expect anything to be honest. He reassured him, telling him how he knew he meant good. He was just trying to help him after all. He hugged him all night, too scared to leave him in that state. He didn’t sleep either, too occupied caressing his hair, making him feel loved, even though he was a burden to him in the past.  
“It’s not the case anymore. Let’s look at the future now, okay? Let’s listen to each other more. I’ll tell you everything now, it’s a promise” He told him that night, to calm Taeil down. And it worked, it made him all fuzzy inside, like this new promise was a new start. A new start for a better Jungwoo, and a less stressed Taeil.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hi bonjour !  
,,So this is my first fic, its sad and angsty but i love it  
Please tell me how it was !! im still learning and need to improve a lot,,,  
heres my twt to yell on me how bad it was ;-; @oliviataeil !!!   
thank u for reading !!!!!


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